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Last week I had a meeting in preparation for a panel for a women’s event. We’re talking about how to support each other better as women and leaders. Each of us has a lot of both unique and common experiences to share and I’m looking forward to it. As we talked something that I’ve been grappling with came up, and as usual, my saying yes to something is also teaching me something. I thought I’d share it here, because, although a vulnerable topic for me, I think we all have struggled with this in some way or another, and I know
that it affects my ability to lead and “be” with those around me, authentically. It’s called envy.
Really? My response exactly, once I realized it! Let me share the struggle. For the past year I’ve been on a mission to grow and lead my business in all the ways you’d expect. Networking, speaking, social media and engaging with organizations that support what I care about. In each of those I often meet other coaches. And inevitably I find myself comparing what I am doing to what someone else does. I’ve also been given guidance from experts that I should pay attention to this because I can learn from what creates success for others. As leaders in any industry, we can experience the same thing.
Many times, I leave those experiences feeling like I have to push back hard against doing what someone else does and how they show up. Energetically it feels judgmental, negative, and just blah. And… if I’m feeling it, it’s shared, and I imagine they feel it too. Now let me be clear. These are people whom I truly admire – I absolutely believe that they are making a great impact with and for their clients and the world around them. In some cases, I’ve personally witnessed that impact. So why was I feeling like this? The struggle was real because I don’t like this side of myself, nor do I want to feel this way. Was it my own confidence? Am I just petty? I didn't think so. I know my calling and I feel confident in my skills, abilities and path.
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I did some research and reflection. Jealousy is about protecting what you already have. I wasn’t worried about losing to someone else. I've lost plenty of times and come out better for it. Then I came upon the definition of envy. Longing for what others have in a way that feels negative. Did I want exactly what they have? Nope. I knew our experiences and skills were wholly different, and that we serve the people we need to serve because, in part, of those experiences and skills. But it is envy I discovered, because it is about
wanting to be acknowledged and well thought of. It’s the root of judgement - feeling like we are enough. There. I said it. I wanted to be seen as I perceived them to be seen and viewed. Well respected, experienced, and successful.
So why am I sharing this? For two reasons. Because I think envy in today’s world of social media, comparison, and a negative “they have”, “said”, “do” world, is more prevalent than we realize. And two, because the only person who can do something about our envy is us. As I said to someone in my meeting earlier, the person that gets in my way is me!
I’m not advocating that if you feel envy that you go share it with the world. Instead, I am advocating that it be self-acknowledged. Once I realized it, the lightbulb went off and I felt a bit relieved, because I knew how to do the work to help move through it. Thoughts (Am I enough?) create emotion (envy) and then action (pushing back, canceling social media accounts, sharing negativity, box checking). So, I needed to sit with it a bit. Then I put into practice the tools that help me see what matters.
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Empathy. Of course I’m envious. I have experienced their impact, and I want to be successful too. But if I focus on comparing myself to someone else, I miss what’s true about who I am, and who I am created to be.
Asking the bigger question. What does success mean to me? It’s about connecting, being present, living life for today. It’s about being in cahoots with God's plan for me. I'm here to grow my being. Not check a box. It’s not about success the only way the world may define it. In dollars, cents, or likes.
Be a gratitude detective! Look for the opportunities. Each of us must do the work we were meant to do, being humans, we are uniquely created to be, and create the ripple we want to see in the world. This question was asked of me today. Who are we being as individuals? Who do we want to be, together?
It’s about remembering the evidence in a way that supports who we are created to be. My past cannot dictate my future unless I let it. What from my experience do I want to hold onto and what do I want to let go of?
It’s about being humble. We can’t force humility. We can step into awareness. I had to ask myself, how does my judgement of myself and others affect the world? How do I want to do better? The answer? By allowing myself to be human, asking for forgiveness and setting intention.
That’s my plan. Hold me to it.
If you’re interested in a local event that will help you dig into your awareness, check out the In Purpose, On Purpose workshop that I’m co-leading with Jesse Cole. It’s coming up this Saturday, November 9th, 2024 and we have a few seats left. We can do this together! Join us! https://www.origincoaching.net/inpurposeonpurpose
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